The Past

From my journal some time in April 2012

 

I stared at the picture, my heart longing to visit that moment just for a few minutes. I thought about what made it so desirable. Was it that little black dress, the one I searched for, wasting hours of my life in and out of stores? I still fit into that dress, one of my favorites, but not the same way, fat and muscle displaced or rather misplaced after the bearing/birthday of children. Was it his smile? He is so proud, it arguably is a proud smile, an attractive smile and one to think of fondly. Was it my shoes, my favorite shoes, of no worth now...6 years later? Was it those curls that took hours, but seemed much shorter because she did it? Was it the anticipation I felt in that moment, on those sacred grounds that HE would finally be inspired to ask me? Little did I know that my plan to blow him away with beauty would take a few months to sink in. I stared in the mirror. Have I changed that much? Am I sporting the dreaded “mom-who-doesn’t-care” look? I left the mirror and raced to my bedside to find my journal (this moment matters) only to find it is buried in 10 loads of clean laundry, un-folded and spread between too many baskets. When will I ever get the time? Today was so successful. The house is spotless (minus the 10 loads of laundry previously mentioned), even after babysitting 4 kids 4 years and under today! Why does today feel like such a fail-kind-of-day? Then it hits me, as heavy as this pen pumping ink into such a small space in my world. Prayer. P R A Y E R. It fixes everything, prevents some things (like my mood) and renews others. “Have I prayed today?” I thought as I quickly finished writing these words.